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Prophets of Profit
By: Waleed Shareef   4/20/2014
In the arid areas of Oregon, the Greater Sage-Grouse puffs out its chest and gyrates to attract the attention of the female. Its vibrant feathers and noises that it produces entice the females to lose their inhibitions around this male gigolo of the birds. A human watching from their front porch could be excused if they were to smile knowingly as they think to themselves “why does that flamboyant display attract the chicks?” However, this gaudy show of the Greater Sage-Grouse is not limited to the bird world. As the churches become more and more female, male preachers and pastors have to improve their “display” in order to attract the females to their churches.  

Online, websites are spreading like chicken feed of “Bishops” and “Prophets” who dress in outlandish clothing that would be laughable if they were not being presented only to those who stand on the proverbial “prairie” to watch these birds strut.  

"Prophet" Manasseh Jordan
I’ve already discussed the “prophet” Manasseh Jordan in my article Pimping In the Name of God. Similar to him, there are other “prophets” that have come to light for me lately. Take for example the wonderful Sage-Grouse named Troy King…Oops, I meant Prophet Troy King. I must admit that I forget to add the words “Prophet” because I’m not quite sure how someone gains that title. In other words, if I started referring to myself as prophet, does that make me one; or is there a prophet and prophetess (the lady version) test? I chose to put quotes around the word prophet most of the time because I feel it is a self-promoting title. Anyway, let’s get back to “Prophet” Troy King. Mr. Troy is obviously a Prophet, according to his website, facebook, twitter etc. and a male model. That’s right, I said male model because his great costumes, or suites – if that is what they can be called, are displayed on him as he shows off what is available to purchase on his websites. But, why stop at buying simply the suites from him, when you can also buy other products such as handbags, cufflinks, CDs and even pomegranate anointing oil. Yes, you heard that right, pomegranate anointing oil! The anointing oil must be truly blessed because he sales his small oil for $20.99 on his website while it can be bought on other websites like this one for as low as $6.00. But then again, Troy’s oil comes from Israel, so that must bump up the price…then again, so does the other $6.00 bottle as well. Oh well, his oil must have more “anointing”.  
"Prophet" Troy King - Nice watch you bought for him!
Troy's more expensive oil, over the competing brand below. 
Although the most beautiful Grouses are male, not all of the human birds are male. Take for example the “Prophetess” Taketa Williams. You can also call her Dr. Taketa Williams because she received her honorary Doctors degree from the online university Christian Bible Institute. If you don’t know how these work, many bible colleges that are not accredited through the U.S. Department of Education have sprung up online using loopholes to gin out degrees with little to no effort required. The “prophetess” could easily have a degree however in marketing. This beautiful bird adorns her website with many ways to make money, including a “partnership” page that has the same lopsided partnership deal as our “Prophet” Manasseh. On her partnership page, you can join one of three levels of partnership with names such as “Pillar of Fire” and “Hell Raiser”. The top level of the partnership is called “Trail Blazer” for $50.00 a month. But, you do not leave empty handed, because after all you are a partner. You will get such valuables as a CD, and a monthly newsletter and even 50% off on other products that you will buy – such a bargain right! Also, you will get a partnership card. Imagine the jealousy of all of your friends when you proudly show them your partnership card, all for the low rate of $50.00 a month!  
Finally, there is the Master Prophet Bishop Bernard Jordan – wow that is long. This man says that he is no less than “the voice of God in the earth” according to his website when defining what a Master Prophet is. Rumor has it, this master prophet must be good at his “prophet” job because reportedly he lives in a 26,000 square foot mansion. And why shouldn’t he live well? He asks you on his home page to “sow a $52.00 seed” for him (read my article “Churchy Phrases” for my explanation about the “sow a seed” phrase). The interesting thing about the “prophet’s” webpage is that on his product page, he seemed to get tired of listing actual products and decided to simply list out a lot of imaginary products that amount to only “sowing seeds”. In other words, you pay him $41.11 (odd seed choice) and he gets your money and you get… blessed I guess. At least Troy King sold clothes, but good old Bernard didn’t have that kind of time to design an actual 
product; he cut to the chase and simply said “send money.” He didn’t even have a $20.99 bottle of anointing oil, but he did have a $500.00 “seed”. So, you can sow all of your seeds, and he could reap all of the riches. Sounds like a good trade-off right?  
The Master "Prophet" (or is that Jedi Master?) Bishop Bernard Jordan can take his long name and tell you how to get rich. One have to make him more rich.
So, the American Church Great Sage-Grouses are out in full force strutting across the gospel stages of many churches near you; their bright plumages shimmer in the spectral spiritual lighting of the sanctuaries they frequent – after you give them their “love offering” of course. What you, the parishioner, must decide is, are you the human standing on the porch watching these elaborate displays in head-shaking bemusement, or are you one of the chicks giving away all of your nesteggs after they have been fertilized?